


I'll be there.

by sabrina



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-01
Updated: 2011-08-01
Packaged: 2017-10-22 03:05:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/233059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sabrina/pseuds/sabrina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>December 1980. A chance meeting between one time friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll be there.

  
  


She didn’t look pregnant.

The glimpse in the shop window told her that, but then again the robe she’d pulled on against the bitter December winds was hardly skin tight and it would have had to have been to show the tiniest of bumps she’d acquired over the past week.

 _At least I won’t be huge in Christmas photos,_ she thought as she turned her attention away from the shop window and back to her shopping. And almost as quickly she was struck with how absurd the thought was. Of course she wouldn’t be huge, and even if she were it would be pregnant huge, which was hardly the same thing as looking fat and since when had she worried about her _looks_ so much? Since being pregnant apparently. And perhaps that was a natural outcome of all of the changes that had been unexpectedly foisted upon her. Things she was supposed to eat and things she wasn’t. Her breasts, which still made her self-conscious even as James seemed to be delighted by them, and everything else that she knew was happening and _would_ happen.

A baby this year hadn’t exactly been the plan and Lily knew that in many ways it was the most foolish of things. She and James had just been married a few months really. There was a war going on and the two of them and everyone they knew were involved in that war. A baby was going to change everything for them and at the same time make it difficult for her to assist in the war like she’d planned to do this year.

She _had_ been on the potion and insisted on making it herself, and therein lay the rub, she knew. It wasn’t that the books hadn’t said ‘the cycle of the moon matters’, they had. And as someone who had a werewolf as a best friend, she truly ought to have been more aware of that sort of thing, but she’d miscalculated, and miscalculated a second time by simply starting it the day after and making it anyway. She’d had good reason to start it late – they’d been involved in an Order project the day she ought to have started it – but good reason or no, the end result had been the same. She ought to have been more careful. There was a difference between knowing something and understanding it, she realized.

 _Severus would have understood it,_ the thought came to her unbidden and she stopped in front of the display window of Flourish and Blotts.

She hadn’t thought about Severus in months. Well, correction, she’d tried not to think about Severus for months and some months she honestly succeeded. But recently she found herself wishing for things that just weren’t so and would never be so. That she and Petunia were closer and she could talk to her sister. That her childhood best friend didn’t hate every life choice that she’d made – it wasn’t exactly as if Severus were likely to understand being pregnant, but he was still one of the few people outside of her family that she’d known nearly her entire life and for some reason she’d found herself craving that familiarity the last few weeks. She could feel her eyes welling up with tears – a common side-effect of everything that was happening to her it seemed – and she quickly lifted a finger to push them away. Of all of the things there were to be teary over at the current moment, the fact that Severus had pushed her away and _chosen_ a different path wasn’t the most important of them.

Although it pushed her back to the point that Severus would have understood. She’d had a natural talent for potions and a genuine love for what she was learning that had clearly shown in class, but she’d never sought to _understand_ the principles like Severus did and if she were honest much of her understanding came from the fact that for so many years they had studied together – every week. And she missed that closeness now, even if she knew on some intellectual level that it had changed, emotionally she couldn’t quite seem to discard it.

“Silly,” she whispered to herself and straightened her shoulders as she turned away from Flourish and Blotts. And it was silly. She’d been engaging in rather a lot of silly ever since she’d discovered that she was pregnant and she was growing impatient with herself for the flights of fancy. It was all well and good to wish for a friendship that once had been, but it had no bearing on what was now. And what was now was that she’d made a choice: James Potter. And even if she’d hardly had time to figure out if marriage was what she had expected now she’d made the choice to get pregnant, because in a way it had been a choice even if she hadn’t meant for it to be – she could have gone and bought the potion when she realized she couldn’t brew it properly after all – so there was no point in considering the ‘what ifs’ her life might have had.

She had one more necessary stop, the apothecary, and then she was going to stop by Quality Quidditch Supplies to see if there were anything there she could gift James for his birthday. And then possibly she’d stop by Flortesques. It was ridiculous to be craving ice cream when the wind chill was what it was, but her stomach had been so queasy of recent, and ice cream _did_ sound good.

She stepped up to the apothecary and as she reached for it the door opened and with the opening came a whiff of the ever-lovely smell of the apothecary. The cabbage like scent was overpowering and for a moment Lily was afraid she was going to lose what little breakfast she’d had on the shoes in front of her. She stepped back, raising her gloved hand to her nose to try to block the smell, and trying to regain her breath and composure. Perhaps she ought not to go in after all. Perhaps she could send James later, or Remus would go for her if she asked him to. But neither knew their ingredients like she did and –

“Lily?”

The voice stopped her in her tracks and she found herself raising her eyes to look straight into Severus Snape’s face.

“Are you all right?” His eyes seemed held wariness and his entire posture was guarded, but the concern was evident in his voice.

She sought to find words and finally nodded. “I – yes,” she managed. “I just, the smell caught me off guard, and I – ” She stopped, uncertain where to go from there. She could hardly tell him about the pregnancy. Outside of the simple fact that she was certain he didn’t want to hear anything about her life now, there was the fact that James was certain that Severus was a Death Eater. And it wasn’t just James, really. On some level she knew that Severus was – had known it since sixth year – but right now – bloody hormones – she really didn’t want to believe it. Even so, she wasn’t going to say anything, because if he were…

“You were going in?” Severus had asked, and although he’d closed the door behind him, his eyes were still on her and he hadn’t made any move to leave. “Are you all right now, or would you like me to get something for you?”

The offer caught her off guard, but hadn’t she just been considering sending James back, or Remus? And neither of them would understand how to determine quality of ingredients as Severus would. And the potion was simple enough – nothing that would give too much of her life away – and she knew she shouldn’t take him up on it, but at the same time, the thought of opening the door again sent a fresh wave of nausea through her and she pushed it back, reaching for a smile.

“I – Would you mind terribly?” She looked up at him. “It’s just a few things, and I think I’ll be fine, I just-”

Severus shook his head, his hand reaching out for the small piece of paper she’d written her notes on. “I’ll be right back,” he said simply.

It was cold outside still, but being able to turn away from the door as it reopened and not revisit the wave of nausea she’d felt before was enough to keep Lily from minding it so much. As Severus disappeared she found herself uncertain of what had just happened. They hadn’t spoken since sixth year, and she’d sworn that she’d never speak to him again, and yet here she was, speaking to him. She could justify it by being caught off guard, or that he’d spoken to her first, but she knew the truth was that he had been on her mind, and with that had apparently come a break-down in her resolve.

“This is _your_ fault,” she whispered to her belly. Two months ago she would never have dreamed of taking the offered assistance for any reason. Today she’d accepted it without even a protest.

The door opened again and Lily straightened, turning around to face her one time best mate, taking the opportunity to truly look at him for the first time since they’d both left Hogwarts. He had grown some, although he was still lanky, and his dark hair still long around his face. But the lines along his jaw had matured, and he looked a bit more like a man than the boy she’d known. He wasn’t precisely handsome, he lacked James’ boyish good-looks and charm, but there was something about him that made her keep looking until his eyes met hers and she looked down at the package he offered, her cheeks feeling suddenly warm.

“Thank you, Severus,” she said softly. “You really didn’t have to, but I do appreciate it.”

“You should check and be sure it’s what you wanted,” he suggested. “If not I’ll go in and haggle with Rumpskin and make it right.”

The words were serious but in the tone there was a dry humour that made a smile form on her lips. How typically Severus, and how typically unlike anyone else she knew – except perhaps Remus. She opened the small bag and reached a gloved hand in, checking each of the ingredients, but they were – as she’d known that they would be – perfect.

“May I get you some ice cream?” She looked up at him, and then wondered what had possessed her. Yes, she’d been thinking of getting ice cream, but with Severus?

Clearly he was as surprised as she was and she watched a flurry of emotions cross his face, ending finally with a polite, neutral, yet seemingly cautious look. It annoyed her and she wanted to tell him to throw caution to the wind: it was ice cream: and they were old friends.

It took him a moment before he finally nodded and stepped off of the apothecary’s front stoop. “Fortescue’s then?”

Her affirmative reply was to be the last for a moment as they crossed the snowy street and made their way towards the ice cream parlour. For all of Lily’s irritation at the caution and mental insistence that they were old friends, it had been a long time since they’d wandered Diagon Alley together chattering the entire time. In those days it had just been the two of them. Today they were accompanied by the unanswered questions of their lives.

The ice cream parlour was nearly empty – perhaps not surprising considering the temperature outside – and they picked their respective flavours in quiet and then took a seat near the corner, as far from cheery Fortescue as could possibly be arranged in such an empty room. Lily took a bite of the flavour – black currant – and then placed the spoon back into the dish.

“Sev,” she started, unable to bear the silence between them any longer. “What are you doing? I mean, how have you been? Are you happy?” The questions poured out and she hadn’t intended for them to sound as nosy as they did. She glanced down at the ice cream feeling slightly abashed. “I don’t mean to pry, I just – it’s been a long time since we’ve talked.” _And I miss you. The you I used to know. Before._

He seemed to consider this for a moment and then he spoke. “I’ve got an apprenticeship in Hogsmeade,” he said. “Potions, Slughorn helped me to get placed. It’s not a lot right now, but I’m hoping someday it’ll be the makings of my own business somewhere. It’s not a lot, but it does keep me busy and I’m enjoying the work.”

Enjoying the work didn’t quite seem to be the same thing as happy, and as she watched him she couldn’t help but feel that there was much he wasn’t saying. But she was hardly in a place to pry.

“That’s good then, isn’t it?” She took a bite of her ice cream, and offered him a smile like she used to do. Perhaps it had been silly to think that whatever they’d had could ever be regained. Too much had passed between them and whatever her hormone induced nostalgia he _had_ hurt her. But just when she’d begun to think that perhaps she ought to eat as much of the ice cream as quickly as possible and say her good-byes, she looked up and saw there was a small smile on his face.

“Yeah, it’s good,” he affirmed. “It’s good to have work, and to be contributing, and using the skills I’ve learned. What about you?” Despite the small smile there seemed to be hesitation in his tone and that hesitation spurred her own hesitation in answering him.

 _Well, I married the man you couldn’t stand in school and I’m pregnant with his child… I’m fighting the Death Eaters on the side, and if you’re one I’m fighting you too…_

“I’m good,” she said, putting the spoon in the ice cream to draw up another bite and giving Severus a true smile. “I’ve been working on potions some as well. Mostly at home for the moment, but I’m hoping in the near future to apply at St Mungo’s for further training – healing seems like an important thing with all of the bad news there is these days.” That seemed safe enough. She pushed the spoon into her mouth and removed it sans ice cream, looking over at Severus. “I know we haven’t spoken much recently,” she said. “And I know that’s probably my fault. And I know we disagreed, and maybe we still would, but right now, with the war – that’s all bigger than what happened back in school, and I don’t forgive what you did – I don’t think I ever could – but I believe you didn’t want things to be as they turned out. And neither did I. I think it’s just with everything that’s going on – I’ve missed your friendship.”

It wasn’t quite an acceptance of the apology he’d offered so many times, and she didn’t know if it would be enough. She didn’t know if it _could_ be enough. After all, it seemed unlikely they could make-up and be friends as they once had. As she looked up, she could see he’d turned wary and guarded again and she thought irritably that she ought to have just let it go. It hadn’t been worth ruining their ice cream, but then again…

She slid the spoon into the bowl and reached her hand across the table, placing it over his. She could feel the flinch, but he didn’t pull away. He didn’t say anything either.

“I’m sorry; perhaps it’s wrong to say I never could. Perhaps it would be better to just say I’ll try.” Some very adamant part of her brain was screaming that he hadn’t been sorry, really. He’d just been sorry that she’d gotten so angry and perhaps some part of her that was less nostalgic might listen to it, but what she’d said about the war was true. As much as she didn’t care to think about it, any of them were in danger and while the likelihood of their friendship ever being what it once had been was impossibly small, that didn’t mean they had to leave things on the note they’d left them before.

“I am sorry,” he said, and there was a hint of stiffness to his voice – perhaps too much pride that he wasn’t certain what to do with. “I always have been. But I can’t make you forgive me, never have been able to make you do anything, have I? So I’ll accept that.”

She looked up and offered him a smile, and pulled her hand back. His hand was so thin and she wondered if he was getting enough to eat. With the bulk of winter clothing it was difficult to say.

She shifted the conversation then, asking him about potions that he was brewing as she took another bite of her ice cream. Potions were safe, at least, and she could ask him questions, interject exclamations, and for a few moments it was as close as she thought they would ever come to what life had been like at Hogwarts. She even managed a smile from him and laughter from her – _thankfully_ laughter because she wasn’t certain she could explain tears were her emotions to go that route.

In the end, instead of feeling as if it lasted far too long, it seemed her ice cream bowl had not been large enough. The nausea had settled with the sweet, and she pushed a spoon around the edges attempting to get the last bit off, even as she shivered slightly from the cool.

“I suppose I should go,” she said reluctantly. James would be expecting her back, but she didn’t mention that, for fear that it would turn the mood again.

Severus nodded and stood and she realized that he was offering her his hand. She took it and stood to her feet, leaning over then for the packages she’d left by her chair. He held the door open for her as well, and she couldn’t help but wonder where he’d learned to be such a gentleman. It seemed miles away from the boy she’d known at school, and yet at the same time familiar somehow.

“Thanks for joining me, Sev,” she said softly as they stepped out on the front stoop. The door closed behind them with a clattering bell and she looked up at the man in front of her, suddenly reluctant to leave despite the cold.

He nodded the smallish smile on his lips the acknowledgement of what she’d said. “Lils, if you need anything ever,” he began. The words sounded rushed as if he were afraid he’d lose them if he didn’t get them out quickly enough. “I know you’ve got people, but if you need anything, just ask. I’ll be there.”

And before she could respond she felt his lips on her cheek and just as quickly they were gone, and he was gone, slipping down the street towards the Leaky Cauldron.

  
  
---  
  



End file.
